just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
