no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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