woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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