And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
