"it" just moved
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
