He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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