I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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