She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
