I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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