Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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