Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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