I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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