I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
