I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
