There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
