She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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