Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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