So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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