Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
50% drunk capacity currently
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
