what day is it and did you see me today?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just invented taco cereal.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
