She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
