I want to walk on stilts...naked
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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