I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
