she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
