i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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