i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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