the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
