You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
