FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
