You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
