Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
