well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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