my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
