Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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