This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
is wine microwaveable?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
