that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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