i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize