Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
