don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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