I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
