when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
