her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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