I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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