I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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