So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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