If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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