I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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