i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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