Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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