i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
