the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
