i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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