Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
