just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
