More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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