i don't like sucking hair
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
