the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
