There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
