what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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